Unconventional - in the best way!

Back on a sunny Saturday in March I was invited to help with a slightly unusual funeral.

Unusual simply because as an Independent Celebrant I don’t usually get involved in ‘church’ funerals (people tend to choose a celebrant-led funeral when they don’t have close personal links with a faith organisation, and churches are historically not keen to host secular ceremonies).

But D’s daughters were adamant that as a lifelong atheist, their dad should have a secular, celebrant-led ceremony.

And they were equally adamant that his life should be celebrated at the local church in the village where his family had deep roots and had marked so many milestones; and that he should be buried in the churchyard alongside his beloved wife.

And so, in collaboration with an accommodating Church of England Vicar (actually a retired Canon), and a very efficient Funeral Director (the lovely Faye from JGodfrey & Son) we managed to create an unusual, unconventional and rather wonderful funeral ceremony for a an unusual, unconventional and rather wonderful man!

D was a traveller and an adventurer who explored the world with his eyes and his heart wide open – forging friendships everywhere he went. When his daughters were old enough to travel by themselves, the beautiful (and unusual!) advice he gave them was to ‘always trust people’.

He was a man who really did live by the values that informed his life. He believed in kindness, justice and equality, in taking people as he found them, in seeing their inherent value and worth.

D was relational, warm, loving, trusting, non-judgemental. He was laid back, clumsy, enthusiastic, sometimes unfiltered, always funny!

He delighted in silliness, loved to laugh, saw deep connection in nature, relished a challenge - obtaining his pilots licence at the age of 73, and never wanted to waste a single precious moment of his life.

Although I had never had the opportunity to meet D myself, I witnessed his generosity of spirit in both his daughters, and in his little grandchildren, who we made sure to include in every aspect of the ceremony, and who drew pictures and wrote notes to place in their grandad’s grave.

His humour and easy-going nature were reflected in the way that instead of hymns, we enjoyed a mass singalong of ‘The Bare Necessities’ from Jungle Book which injected some fun and nostalgia into the ceremony!

The impact he’d made during his years living in an Oxfordshire village was revealed by the way that pretty much the whole village turned out, packing the church full of friends and well-wishers, who all stayed to celebrate him with champagne and dance to a swing band afterwards.

And as a wonderfully original touch, as we all walked towards the graveside at the end of the ceremony, a pilot friend flew loops around the church in one of the light aircraft D himself used to fly, filling the blue sky with the rhythmic thrum of the engine - creating the perfect soundtrack as he was buried beside his soulmate, surrounded by 3 generations of his family. (can you see it in the image below?)

D’s was a life that ended too soon for those who loved him, but it was one that will have reach and impact far beyond his own lifespan. He had a joyous, active life of connection, curiosity and meaningful relationships – packing more into his 75 years than many do in 100, and it was the greatest honour to help tell his story and hold space for his farewell.

Personally for me, it was a refreshing opportunity for teamwork, collaboration and compromise with a Church of England minister – as we navigated our way towards a funeral ceremony that honoured D’s personal convictions and felt right for his family while respecting the culture and traditions of the church and local community. I'd love to see more collaborations like this, and I imagined D having a good chuckle at the challenge he set us, and I hope he’d approve of the way we followed his advice to trust and see the best in one another!

As I said at the end of the ceremony “Perhaps one of the gifts we take away with us today is the inspiration from D to live each day to the best of our ability, to treasure the journey, to see the good in others, and on the toughest days, simply to love those around us, and to let ourselves be loved in return.”

His family reworked a beautiful poem called 'The Pulse of the Journey' that they had found (author unknown) to read for him. I love these words:

Some people walk gently through the world,

careful not to disturb the dust.

But some people — they follow the drumbeat of the earth.

They listen for it in the wind over red soil,

in the engines of small planes,

in the laughter of strangers who become friends.

The pulse of a journey is not in the miles.

it is in the courageto say yes to the sky.

It is in the kindness carriedf rom one place to another.

And when the road stretches beyond where we can see,

we remember this:

The traveller is never truly gone.

The pulse of the journey keeps beating in the stories he left behind.