Should Children go to Funerals?

"Should I bring my children to the funeral?" is a question that I get asked a lot when I meet with people to plan funerals.

As a funeral celebrant I spend a lot of time talking about death and dying.

But I am well aware that in our modern secular British culture many people have become very disconnected from death.

Over the last century, we have ‘outsourced’ most aspects of death, dying and care of the dead to industry professionals.

As adults many of us lack the language and confidence to talk about and prepare for death – so it’s not surprising that it can feel overwhelming to know how to help our children make sense of it!

Here are some of my thoughts on the subject which I hope will help you if you are considering whether or not to include children in a funeral.

Reasons why people DON’T include children in funerals:

• Parents worry that that their own expressions of grief or sadness might be distressing for their children to witness

• For very young children who haven’t yet developed the language or maturity to understand what is happening, the environment of a formal funeral could be overwhelming.

• Parents feel that if they are responsible for their child(ren) on the day of the funeral, they may not be able to be fully emotionally present with the farewell and their own feelings around it.

• Very young children who don’t grasp the solemnity of the event could get restless and cause noise or disruption that other mourners might find distracting or inappropriate.

• Parents worry that seeing a dead body, a coffin, or a grave could be traumatic or frightening images for children.

Reason why people DO include children in funerals:

• Attending a funeral can teach children from an early age that death is a natural part of life and not something to be hidden or feared.

• Shielding children from events around death can cause confusion and distress about the absence or a person who was part of their life, while allowing them to be part of the funeral can help them come to terms with it.

• Children will be aware that ‘something is going on’ however much we try to protect them. And often, what they might imagine could be scarier than the reality of a funeral.

• Taking part in rituals and ceremonies - when done well! - can offer comfort and consolation. There are many ways to involve everyone (including children) in accessible and meaningful rituals at a funeral – this can be singing, sharing silence, placing flowers, lighting candles, raising a toast, laughing at funny memories, passing around a favourite sweet treat, standing to gather around a coffin……..The possibilities are endless and a good celebrant or funeral director will work with you to create a ceremony that includes guests of all ages.

• Modelling that grief and sadness are things that can be shared and processed together as a family can help children develop healthy relationships with their own emotions, and show them that sadness is part of the normal range of feelings.

• If families have a religious faith or spiritual beliefs about death and the afterlife, funerals can be a useful context for helping children connect with those traditions and beliefs.

• In my experience, planning a funeral with children in mind can really help to clarify the toughts and plans of the adults involved. It makes you ask: ‘Why should we do this?’ ‘Does this ‘expected’ element of a funeral actual matter to us’?’ ‘What is the purpose of this tradition or ritual, and is it important?’

Still on the fence?

Those are some of the pro's and cons, but if you’re still unsure whether or not to include children in a funeral ceremony, there are all kinds of alternative ways to support children in saying goodbye, that respect their readiness and the needs of the family.

Some things I’ve witnessed that have worked well:

• Explaining what to expect in clear, simple and honest terms can help you gauge whether your child will be able to cope with a funeral (and how you feel about them being there).

• Before a funeral, let children know that people will be sad, and lots of grown-ups may be crying, but that this is normal and that they will be ok.

• Give them a choice – if they’re old enough, it can be empowering to let children decide if they want to participate, or choose to come to certain elements of the day.

• If you decide not to bring children to a funeral, but they know it is happening, they can draw pictures, write letters, or pick flowers to go on or in the coffin. They can record a song or a message to be played as part of the ceremony.

• Including children in the scattering of ashes or visiting a grave at a later date can be a more relaxed way to involve them in saying goodbye.

• Sometimes families keep the formal funeral as an adult only event, and then arrange a more informal ‘celebration of life’ perhaps on the person’s birthday or at their favourite time of year. These more informal celebrations can feel more accessible to children, and can take place after parents have had time to come to terms with the initial shock of their own bereavement.

• If children DO come to the funeral, giving them a ‘role’ can help them feel involved. Depending on their personalities and ages, they may like to hand out orders of service, show people to their seats, light a candle, or help with handing out drinks or refreshments afterwards. (At one funeral I led recently, a 7 year old granddaughter was given a bag full of pocket tissue packets which said, ‘it’s ok to cry!’, and it was her ‘job’ to make sure everyone was given a pack. I loved the way this ‘normalised’ sadness and tears for her and everyone else)

Ultimately, whether you bring your children to a funeral is a deeply personal question, and no one else can make the decision for you.

For me, whether or not children attend funerals depends less on their age, and more on how well we feel able to guide them through the experience.

With empathy, clear explanation, good planning and choice, funerals can become beautiful and profound opportunities for children to learn about love, loss and the continuity of bonds with those we love even after death.

And if you decide not to bring them, there are other, equally meaningful ways to teach them those things.

Ultimately, whether they attend the funeral or not, our goal is not to protect children from the death of those they love (sadly that is impossible), but to help them understand that death is a natural part of being human, and to give them safe and supportive ways to express and process their encounters with it.